Puppy Diaries: Ernie's Tale of Destruction

Ernie's been part of the family for a month now. He's tripled in size. Despite this, the one thing people say when meeting him is 'He's so smaalllllllll', as if stretching out the vowel will help to underline the fact that he is, indeed, small. 

To us, he's a Titan. Cavalier King Charles aren't exactly athletic dogs, but we're having to work harder to drain Ernie of his energy. This problem will be gratefully solved in a fortnight's time, when Ernie's vaccinations mean that we can finally take him out in the open for long walks. I'm predicting that a 400 metre run will pretty much knock him out for a good eight hours.

Therefore, our home has become much like the Olympic Village in Sochi. It's an unkempt disaster area, with occasional hurried attempts to clean it up whenever we have visitors coming over. You can find Ernie via a small trail of destruction that he leaves in his wake. I asked him to list off his favourite pieces of entertainment. Here they are. (Imagine that Ernie speaks in the voice of James Earl Jones, please.)

  1. Nake - Nake and I have a long and complicated history. Nake is my rival, my dark secret, and my tender lover. We will wrestle with such ferocity that it occasionally spills over into acts of great affection. It requires a feat of masturbatory gymnastics for me, but I get there. The humans will never understand our love. 
  2. The Water Bottle - Oh water bottle, you make so much noise yet you can not be tamed. No matter how much I attempt to grab you, you spin out of my grasp at every turn. The humans take you away sometimes and you will come back heavier, or lighter. You hold dark mysteries within you that I will hope to crack one day. Damn you water bottle. And damn you humans. 
  3. The Empty Beer Case - Fuck you cardboard. I own you.
  4. Toilet Rolls - The humans don't think I realise this, but they are of course just giving me various bits of rubbish to play with. No matter how many toilet rolls I destroy in disgust, they return, anew. Ironically, they judge me for my toilet habits, yet their supply of toilet rolls appears infinite.
  5. Anything metal - If I could, I would pray for shiny breakfasts of stainless steel, and golden lunches of gleaming gold. Metal is my friend, and my taste for it cannot be sated. When I die, I hope heaven is simply belt buckles and bag latches. What sweeter paradise could there be?

More Ernie next Wednesday.