Puppy Diaries: Conversations with Ernie

 ME: Ok mate, time to put your collar on, we're going for a walk.

ERNIE: YES! I LOVE THE TRY-AND-BITE-THE-COLLAR-GAME!! 

ME: No, mate, I put the collar ON you, you don't bite it.

ERNIE: FAWEFJAVUV

ME: I can't hear you with the collar in your mouth. 

ERNIE: I SAID I LOVE THIS GAME!

ME: Let me put it on NOW or we'll be late for puppy pre-school.

ERNIE: FLANE?

ME: Collar, mate, I can't hear-

ERNIE: Why?

ME: Because I was playing Hearthstone for too long and lost track of time.

ERNIE: You should really be more careful with your time management, shouldn't you?

ME: You're not intellectually capable of that kind of assessment.

ERNIE: You're projecting human emotions onto an animal form. It's what a lot of people do with their pets. 

ME: Oh, sorry.

ERNIE: WEDDLE FLANE JAV

ME: What?

ERNIE: I said don't worry about it. Says more about you than it does about me.


Later.

ME: So you loved puppy pre school that time, huh?

ERNIE: I LOVED IT!  I PLAYED WITH THE OTHER PUPPIES AND I WAS AMAZING.

ME: That Staffie didn't bite you too hard?

ERNIE: THAT STAFFIE WAS AMAZING I KICKED ARSE.

ME: You whined like you were hurt.

ERNIE: I was just playing. You gotta let me do my th-WHAT WAS THAT?!

ME: That was me stirring my tea. 

ERNIE: Jesus. I thought we were under attack.

ME: See, this is why I worry about you.


Later.

ME: What are you doing?

No response.

What are you doing Ernie?

No response.

Good boy! That's a good boy! That's where we poo! Yes!

No response.

Why are you eating it?! Ernie, stop! 

No response.

Seriously, cut it out. Eat your breakfast instead!

No response.

You mystify me.

ERNIE: I am an enigma.